Sunday, April 25, 2010

In B Minor

I'm moving out of my apartment. I found an old jacket of mine in the back of the closet, and in one of the pockets was a crumpled note:

"Song about Benny being
like a vending machine
giving out tasty bits
rest of the time sedentary
in the corner,
Sometimes at a high school
most likely at the airport
and he likes unicorns too
also likes bears
wonder why he hasn't
come up with the unibear
or the grizzly corn,
really needs to get on
his shit

gives out lots of
things like salty snacks
and sweet treats, ok I guess
those are the only two types,
oh wait i forgot the packs of
gum that he keeps in his upper
right corner"

I don't write songs. I write notes. And I may be an idiot.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

In These Economic Times #4

It's amazing what a fresh coat of paint can do.

With some Sea Breeze and a pair of sneakers, you're ready to hit the town.

Friday, October 16, 2009


I'm taking a cue from a guy at what scenery! and getting all spilly:

I'm newly wed, which makes me a newlywed. I'm also recently showered, but that's not its own thing I suppose.

People ask me how things are different than pre-wedding. I answer their question with a question, because I can't control the intonation of my voice.

"It's exactly like it was before I was married?"

I jest, but that's really how I say it, because life is the same. My girlfriend metamorphized to my fiance and then to my wife with beautiful wings, but that's all in name only. My feelings for her didn't change.

And yet.

She still makes pie (suck on that sweet potato, fellas), and I still clean the sink drain, but now our fingers are draped with precious metals. She has to take her ring off if she doesn't want it covered in dough, and I have to take my ring off if I don't want it covered in...just, you wouldn't believe that mess unless you saw it. Seriously, is that the elephant in the room? Sink drain blockage? Our nation needs to address this if we're going to move past it. Our drains don't run. Yikes. Just, wow. Is it plant, animal, mineral? The answer is no. no.

I didn't write my own vows.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

In These Economic Times: Tip #3

Canning is a great way to preserve fruits and vegetables for when you really need them. Same goes for your kidneys.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

In These Economic Times: Tip #1

Instead of going to an aquarium, visit a Chinese restaurant. There is no entrance fee, and the restaurant won't get uppity when you pick out your meal from the tank.

On a related note: If they can serve seafood at aquariums, why don't they serve monkey tacos at the zoo?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Here's a thing

Welcome to Simon’s Jewelers, how can I help you? … Oh that’s very exciting, congratulations to both of you. The first thing you want to do is pick out a diamond.

Oh, well here’s the thing about these so called blood diamonds. I mean, I’ve seen the 60 Minutes special. I’ve seen the movie. Doesn’t Leo DeCaprio do just a wonderful job with that accent? Have you ever heard anything like that? Wild. But really, here’s the thing. For me, I want to see the proof. Anyone can tell a story. But for me, I need to see the story in the pudding. It would be horrible, just horrible, if those stories were true about the children. With their hands chopped off? I’ve got children, and you know, that’s – I think you see where I’m going – not something I would ever want kids ever getting in to. Knock on cubic zirconium. Just a little joke we’ve got around here.

But no, I need the proof. A severed hand? Doesn’t that sound extreme? Wouldn’t you like to see the evidence so you know it’s happening, instead of being told that it’s happening? I want to see the hand. I want to see the diamond, and I want to see it with the hand. I would know then, that yes, maybe those diamonds are connected to severed hands. So yes, show me the hand with the diamond. Better yet, show me a man holding the diamond in one hand, and a severed hand in his other hand. He has two hands, but there are three hands in the picture. You have to visualize. The severed hand belongs to someone else.

Maybe he should have a machete at his feet too. That way I could infer the implication that he cut off someone’s hand with the machete, the one at his feet. The machete is at his feet, not another hand. There’s only three hands in the picture, remember? Two of them are his. Because otherwise, maybe the hand came off some other way? Who are we to know? We should know. Which is why the machete should definitely be in the picture.

And then, if we have that picture, for me I can say, “Ok, Simon,” for that’s my name along with the store’s name, coincidence, no? No, it’s not a coincidence, it’s my store. Then I can say, “Ok, Simon, maybe we should get these stones from a reputable source.” Which we try to do anyway, and I haven’t even seen this kid’s hand yet. No, I know what you’re saying in your mind, but with thinking: “In the movie, Leo smuggled diamonds across borders in a goat. Not on a goat, but under the goat’s skin.” I know what you were getting at, because I also saw the movie. Wasn’t it wild?

So yes, maybe a real life Leo, Leo is real life, but his character wasn’t, maybe a real life Leo’s character is smuggling diamonds inside goats, in which case we would think we were getting diamonds not connected to severed hands, but in fact they were hand diamonds. Again, I want the hands and goats in writing, but with pictures.

But I get it, you want peace of mind. And that’s why you come to Simon’s. Simon says, put your mind at peace. That’s another little joke we have around here, we like to have a good time. But seriously, be peaceful, because I can get you an estate diamond. It came from someone else’s hand. But not a child’s severed hand, more like the hand of an old woman who has died, but not over her diamond. Died just because. And her hand wasn’t even severed.

Well to be honest, maybe it was severed, you know? I don’t know how she died. But most likely her hand wasn’t severed, because how often does that happen? Probably more often than you think, because how often do you think of people losing their hands? For me, not often. So probably more people die by losing a hand than you or I would think. Heaven forbid, knock on cubic zirconium, and all of that for sure. For sure.

Well, I’ve given you plenty to think about. I don’t want to put diamonds in your mouth, but you have got a big decision ahead of you. And that is, who are you going to make sit at the table with Uncle Jerry? But seriously, I require a deposit.